Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. The son comes home in the afternoon.
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He really is your son! Submitted by Terry Sangster. A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. The landlady answers. A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer.
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A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee. A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. Submitted by Adam J. Check out the 20 funniest lawyer jokes ever!
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. A man is on trial for armed robbery.
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The jury comes back with the verdict. Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls of his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace.
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What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? Got anything less expensive?
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Snake 1: Are we poisonous? Snake 1: I just bit my lip. Submitted by Faith Lackey. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.
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An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. Submitted by Denise Stewart. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? A: Get off the carousel. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson.
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A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. Oh yes—the news. Submitted by Max Cooper. After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother.
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He must pay for his mistake. A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. I got an A on my very first university English paper. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error.
Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron.
Oh look, just put me down for five. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. Jim nervously mimicked her. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised. Here are 22 Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. Submitted by Greg Madden. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat.
Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse. Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night. An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure.
Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. Relive the history of the world in 27 dumb jokes. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery.
On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder.
Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears.